Choosing Self Love

I have been wondering what it is that stops me from taking a step towards what I want. I'm not sure the inquiry into 'why' matters. Maybe it does. But at that exact moment in which I can go this way or that, I experience this sense of hesitation at times. In my earlier years I was deeply steeped in the bible. I am thinking of the apostle Paul. He spoke of life as a race. His encouragement was to run it well. I can't really say what it was that he was striving for. Maybe he was striving to live as Jesus did. And I don't think that was about the doing, but rather the being. I do agree about running the race of life well. But a big part of that is to know where I am running. Paul had his particular sense of direction, a vision.

I have found the last few years a time of preparation. One vision was completed, that of raising my children, and with that completion the end of the marriage that held the vision to the end. I have heard the time called 'empty nest'. Two words. Two words that fail to impart the full weight of this completion, at least for me. I've met other mothers who could not wait for their children to leave home. I did not understand that. Not that I wanted my children to stay forever. I am glad they have found their own directions. After all, holding their growth as my prime objective for 20 plus years included their ability to make their way in the world without me.

I have been in this simultaneous sense of being on a harbor watching their ships fade on the horizon. And now where do I travel? The other sense is that I entered my own ship and have been sailing and only just now have finally lost sight of that same harbor.

Which returns me to the original thought...free to sail...I take active steps in moving in to a new vision. The thing about having children is that the objective is clear and in front at all times. It is more difficult to see those hopes and dreams as tangibly as children and then do what needs to be done to make them dreams visible, at least for me, at this point in life. I am speaking of those things I hope to accomplish that are not dictated to me from external sources, like my job. Those things only I have the say in moving this way or that. Like will I exercise or eat healthily, to name some basic things. I suspect that the hesitation has something to do with choosing self love or not.

Carolyn Myss describes self esteem as caring about oneself enough to not let yourself down. And in the choice of self love, self esteem, there is needed the disciplined practice of choosing that direction over and over again, regardless of other possible choices. A captain sailing a ship, not in circles, but towards a fixed point. Making course corrections if the wind blows this way or that, but always righting the course.

Tuning in to the Value of Nature

Thinking, today, about how much courage it takes to step fully in to the people we most wish to be. It takes a ton of determination and practice to be that person we can see in our imagination. Or maybe it isn’t a matter of imagination but rather reaching deep inside to retrieve those deepest dreams and hopes and dare to live in to them, in spite of all the obstacles both apparent and invisible.

Living a long life guarantees suffering, somewhere, somehow. Having the ability to grieve deeply and find joy easily are important tools. Cultivating the inner life in such a way that we become resilient, flexible and fluid is key. Indispensable to the journey: deep self love.

Listening to the frogs it is impossible to ignore that life desires to live and do it abundantly. The life surging from earth near spring is undeniable. The challenge is to live in such a way that I get out of my way and follow the rhythms of nature, let life course riotously in its time, or hibernate. Following the lead of nature, tuning in so that I notice what the world that I live in is up to.

Moving out of the ways I live in which nature has no part can be fearsome. Placing importance on the value of attunement with the natural world in a modern society can be counterintuitive to the modern brain. But, I think, when we really let our minds contemplate this fully for a moment, the consequences of ignoring nature are perceptible. Moving in the directions of courage, well, baby steps.

Moving out of Winter

The sun crests the ridge line illuminating golden willow tips, crisp reflections perfect in the still water. In the pale blue above contrails that last begin their slow spread into cloud. The quiet of of a late winter morning yearning into the force of spring calling holds so much promise. I just want to sit and soak it up, watch it, feel it fully. Oh that chill which will slowly melt away into warmth is the dance of a perfect day!

I finally feel I am living in the season I am in.  I let myself sink towards the darkness, begin the slow drift, once the summer solstice has passed....which in years past I considered on winter solstice. No wonder the feeling of spring was so harsh. Like having a light turned on in the middle of the night. Once I came to terms with summer ushering in winter over the long arc of the year, well, the return to the light begins in the darkest night...and I let myself be carried back.

I feel new seeds sprouting in my life, in my soul. Possibility still exists. I find myself wanting to know what possibilities my friend Ruthie is living in to now. She is in her 94th year. How does she experience the riotous calling of spring now?

How to meet the Love of Your Life

Look in the Mirror

Shifting towards a Wisdom Culture

In aging there comes a crossroads...the time when you feel that you are no longer young but you are not yet old. Middle aged it is often called. In a culture that orients towards youth the middle years present a particular challenge.

Will I try to keep up appearances of youth? How far will I go? Keeping active, fit and healthy in  body is a gift for an entire life. This is not youth orientation. Working on emotional health and well being is an ageless pursuit.

Trying to 'keep up', whatever this means, might be considered an area to make inquiry around. What am I trying to keep up with? For?

As we age our natural timing and rhythms shift. The gift presented is the possibility to take time for thoughtfulness. What have I learned in all that I have lived through? What are the gems of wisdom I can share? How can I share my experiences? Am I able to take a clear eyed look towards old age and steer my life in ways that will help that time be the fullest and richest possible? Have I been real with myself about where I am headed?

Have you made friends with someone decades older than you? Asked about what life looks like from their point of view? What advice might they offer from their perspective?

Youth are loud. They are often outrageously outspoken. And as we age it is tempting to be quiet in the face of the louder volume. This is a mistake.

It is also a mistake to stay totally peer oriented. Having friends of all ages helps to create a healthy balance of the learning and sharing of wisdom creating connecting threads across generations.

Why are we a Youth Oriented Culture?

I was asked this question by a wise young woman. It is a sacred question really. I often refer to the truth of our youth orientation when talking with friends, the truth of where our culture chooses to put its focus. It isn't so apparent when you are in the up to 40ish age range. Once the entrance into the age when many try all kinds of measures to pretend they are not aging, well, then our youth worshiping nature is obvious. But I can't really answer a definitive why we are this way.

Imagine if the faces we saw on a regular basis in the grocery store magazine racks were those of the most wrinkled and frizzled beings. Imagine if it was their perspective we were listening for. What would it be like if lecture halls were jammed with people who were interested in hearing the stories of those who have lived one hundred years. What might they have noticed in all those decades, all the changes they have lived through?

Growing Self Loving

"I have been devoted to building and maintaining spaciousness to be free in." My friend Desiree wrote this to me a few weeks ago. It struck me as the perfect sentence to describe what growing self loving is about.

I suspect we all have different places to build spaciousness around. I may struggle with something that comes to you with ease. And what flows easily for me might be the very place you hope to push out the walls.

Sometimes I feel the very real boundaries of the container that is me in my body. When I only consider myself as my physical body a sense of constriction comes, like this space is too small. I am so much more. The spaciousness Desiree writes of is the movement of the invisible barrier I hold around myself just a bit further outward, breathing room. I'd like to think that the spaciousness is infinite and I suspect it is. There are times when I do experience it as such.

But mostly I am firmly in this physical world and the spaciousness, the self loving, around my full and total package, is somewhere in the middle between complete and total bliss with who I am and self loathing...with a leaning towards bliss over loathing.

Growing the bliss zone takes some conscious effort. Mostly, right now, my work has to do with letting myself sink in to the reality of being Crone. Rejoicing Crone. Embracing Crone. Being fully present to loving myself at this stage in my life. The biggest thing for me now is making time for the activities and self care routines that supports my older body feeling good. My relationship to this time is what I am working on. Rather than feeling I am checking things off a list so I can go do more important things, I am cultivating the time as self love and of the utmost importance. Doing all with care instead of racing through. Letting go of those things that do not help create the spaciousness to love myself, whether they are attitudes or real things.

A difficult attitude to release revolves around the cultural images of outward beauty. To look at the face and body reflected to me from the various mirrors in my life and choose to send love to what I see. This can be very hard when my face does not match the ideas of beauty commonly presented as desirable. I have been practicing smiling and with the smile speaking to myself those words that feel so good to hear from someone I know deeply cares for me....I love you. I am growing myself to be the one who loves me most.