“This has to stop, whatever this is. You’re a wife and
mother and that has to come first.”
I was watching a television show based in the 1950’s and a
man said this to his wife. In the generation of my mother the general culture
believed and lived with the quote above. Oh the tension of the brilliant woman
with so many gifts to offer the world. The priorities of an entire culture
supported the idea that being a mother was work of merit. Now I’m not saying
that women were given ultimate respect or accord for this, which is at least
part of why feminism arose. Women wanted more, at least some women. And the
ways in which feminism cracked open the opportunities for women of my
generation were phenomenal. I was able to work in a field in which very few
women ever went, allowing me to enter a world of brilliant minds accomplishing
amazing things.
The challenge came, for me, when I had children. The
birthing of my daughter dilated not only my cervix but also my entire way of
understanding what might be possible in being a mother. The labor pains
exercised anatomy that had never undergone such a rigorous workout. Having a
child began the slow incessant exercise of a way of showing up for another
human being.
And having a child also gave presence to a difficulty in my
marriage. In this new feminist culture motherhood was not offered the same
‘protected’ status as a worthy ‘career’ choice. It was one more thing to do
along with being a superstar at work. The Second Shift is an interesting read
about that time period in which women were in the position of being expected to
work and be the main parent in charge of taking care of the household.
Making a choice to be a full time mother was not easy. I was
graced with the financial ability to not have to work. I was able to live out
my belief that my children were more important than any of the projects I ever
worked on. I am grateful that I was able to be a full time mother during a time
in which there was lip service but not real respect given to the value of that
work. Honestly, I missed the feedback about how important my other work had
been and the difference was noticeable and big. I entered an invisible class.
I’m watching my daughter as a new mother and I see she and
her partner and many of their friends finding ways to balance all of the
richness of life with some skill sets I did not have available. I see the re-growth
of the value of the place of mother in society. I see this including more value
of father through shared parenting. Livelihood questions are more conscious and inclusive of the
value of parenting. I see all of this as the slow pacing towards the balancing
of masculine and feminine.
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