Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Self Loving

There have been times when life has crowded in around me leaving no sense of breathing room. Betrayal, outrageously cruel behavior, abandonment, rejection, false accusations...I have experienced all of this. Out of control, mysterious, perplexing, human beings living their own best lives however messy it is for others on the receiving end. And I know my life impacts others too. I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure these things out. Looking for solutions, trying to fix things, change myself, dig in deep. No regrets and likely fruitful behavior in many regards. But I was missing something. It has taken a long time and some very painful experiences to learn what now feels like an obvious truth. Self loving behavior is key.

It's not always clear this is true. It took a radical shaking of my life to bring me to this singular truth. No one else can offer me love that creates the wholeness I crave like I can. I know this is a progressive statement, for some.  There were decades in my life when the idea that Jesus loved me had depth and weight and meant a lot. But somehow that information did not penetrate through the shell that kept me from loving myself. A 'ground zero' kind of eruption took place leaving me with a miniscule thread of chi (vital life force) and prone on the couch for nearly a year, able to see and feel only devastation. I could put in details, but if you have ever lived through anything that felt impossible you know what this is like. In some ways it is less about the mechanism that leveled me and more about learning a new response to life.

Rebalance of the masculine and feminine is not possible without the balance of each individual finding their own way to self loving behaviors.

So when I was laying on the couch and realized I was not dead but still breathing with blood moving through my system...my mothers wisdom came to me. "Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say 'I love you' everyday." My mom has been dead for nearly nine years. She gave me this piece of her heart when I was in my mid twenties. Three years ago this saved my life. I mean, the air would likely still be going in and out and the blood round and round, but I was in danger of being a zombie. I brought a small hand mirror to the couch and when all the darkness crowded in around me I would pick up the mirror and believing it or not I spoke those magic words to myself. I'd like to say things changed at once, that I leapt up off the couch and walked with joy in my step.

Instead a sort of parallel pathway began. The me that was still very skeptical and had the shell and the new me that dared to believe this simple thing could make a change. The more I feed the me that loves me, the thinner the shell becomes. Today there are actually great swaths of holes in that shell. And life has not become unicorns and rainbows as my friend Deborah likes to say. In fact, I have just come through a year with incredibly hard things, including the broken arm. But the break and the other more serious things, instead of spinning me into deep despair, have been the testing grounds that have let me witness myself as a woman who has is actively growing self love.

And this self love is what prompted me to release the pain and anger having to do with the imbalance between masculine and feminine and all that imbalance has wrought in my own life.

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