Sunday, February 22, 2015

Choosing Self Love

I have been wondering what it is that stops me from taking a step towards what I want. I'm not sure the inquiry into 'why' matters. Maybe it does. But at that exact moment in which I can go this way or that, I experience this sense of hesitation at times. In my earlier years I was deeply steeped in the bible. I am thinking of the apostle Paul. He spoke of life as a race. His encouragement was to run it well. I can't really say what it was that he was striving for. Maybe he was striving to live as Jesus did. And I don't think that was about the doing, but rather the being. I do agree about running the race of life well. But a big part of that is to know where I am running. Paul had his particular sense of direction, a vision.

I have found the last few years a time of preparation. One vision was completed, that of raising my children, and with that completion the end of the marriage that held the vision to the end. I have heard the time called 'empty nest'. Two words. Two words that fail to impart the full weight of this completion, at least for me. I've met other mothers who could not wait for their children to leave home. I did not understand that. Not that I wanted my children to stay forever. I am glad they have found their own directions. After all, holding their growth as my prime objective for 20 plus years included their ability to make their way in the world without me.

I have been in this simultaneous sense of being on a harbor watching their ships fade on the horizon. And now where do I travel? The other sense is that I entered my own ship and have been sailing and only just now have finally lost sight of that same harbor.

Which returns me to the original to sail...I take active steps in moving in to a new vision. The thing about having children is that the objective is clear and in front at all times. It is more difficult to see those hopes and dreams as tangibly as children and then do what needs to be done to make them dreams visible, at least for me, at this point in life. I am speaking of those things I hope to accomplish that are not dictated to me from external sources, like my job. Those things only I have the say in moving this way or that. Like will I exercise or eat healthily, to name some basic things. I suspect that the hesitation has something to do with choosing self love or not.

Carolyn Myss describes self esteem as caring about oneself enough to not let yourself down. And in the choice of self love, self esteem, there is needed the disciplined practice of choosing that direction over and over again, regardless of other possible choices. A captain sailing a ship, not in circles, but towards a fixed point. Making course corrections if the wind blows this way or that, but always righting the course.

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