Totally sucks. Who wants it? Not me. You probably don’t want it either.
But it came to me, twice, in a short period of time. I did not think I could or would survive. Let alone thrive. I lost some things very precious that I had no idea lived in me. Hope, faith, trust, belief in love.
It has been no picnic sitting with this meditation for much of the last three years. I mean, when you know that it is possible to be so hurt, so destroyed…and yet want to love again….how to move forward is the question.
The short and simple answer is self love. The reality of moving fully in to all this means has been the invitation of a lifetime. It has asked nothing less than full authenticity in me. It is thankfully beautiful, at times, and at other times piercingly raw, to witness myself as a middle aged woman leaning deeply in to showing up in life as a real human being in spite of all the tattered edges and flaws. To live as the Little Prince said, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye,” is the journey.
Heartbreak is the opportunity to find out how my heart sees things. Surrendering bitterness, anger, hurt, fear….to learn how to love in such a way that loss is not possible. This is now my quest.
If I really do love….it is not possible to lose. Martin Prechtel has spoken about the difference between seduction and love. Love seeks to offer to the other what it is they need. Seduction asks for what I want. If I am loving, I can not lose. I can not have my heart broken. I can have my myths and illusions shattered. I can have my dreams quenched in the face of reality. But if I am loving then it is love that loves through me….and my job is to get out of the way….to surrender my attachment to outcome….and to anything I imagine that love will give to me….that I do not already give to myself.